I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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