I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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