We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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