Moan for me like Helen Keller
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
