I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
