I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She even gives head with a lisp.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
