My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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