She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
