everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
