I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
