my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
