Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
