i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Can Purell be used as lube?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
