so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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