I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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