I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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