On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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