So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
