I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
