So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
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Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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