hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
