How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
