i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Randomize
