It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
