The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
