The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you traded sex for a burrito?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
