went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
