Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
