just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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