you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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