They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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