That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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