yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
