When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
