I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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