seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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