is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
