I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
