I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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