I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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