glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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