Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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