Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
