You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
