I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
