Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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