you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
