Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
