my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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