Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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