The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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