I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
