I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
