We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
