I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm like, not good at living.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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